Rainbows and Groceries
Evidence of liking myself.
Sometimes I just want to cry because it hurts too badly. The hurt of not having. The hurt of wanting. The hurt of not feeling loved, which could be remedied, I realize by just loving myself so fiercely that these desires become vague memories that existed once. Just love myself. Just do it. Just like everything about myself. It’s easy, just do it.
Just like it when you ugly cry over a stupid fucking person who says stupid fucking things that you believe will be true and then you get your heart broken for the 82nd time by them. Just like yourself right now, because your feelings are valid and they matter. Just like yourself more than the stupid people who are full of talk. Just like yourself because you know how to take better care of yourself and you don’t need these brainless schmucks half-assing anything for you. All that bullshit goes away if you just like yourself.
Just like myself for writing these dumb fucking words that make no fucking sense and have too many fucks in them. Just like myself for the woman that my mom made me to be, even if she doesn’t like me because I stand up to her and tell her when she is not being a good mother to me. Just like myself even when I don’t get an apology. The apology that she has often told me to ask for, because she has claimed to not know what has hurt me. Just like myself for being able to tell her what hurt me. It’s up to her to be able to recognize when an apology is needed. It’s up to her to decide to humble herself and offer a hand after she punches me with her words. Just like myself for knowing how I would like to handle things when I hurt the ones I love.
Just like yourself for knowing who you are despite people checking up on you unannounced, fact-checking, and concluding incorrectly. Just like who you are. Just stop overthinking. Just be still. Just love you. Just. Please.
I like how today I took myself to the forest with my dog to meet up with people to walk. This is me. I like me. I like the decision I made even though I was fighting with guilt because I had family in town that I don’t get to see often. I like my decision to get out of my car and take a picture of the rainbow I wouldn’t have seen if I didn’t decide to go hiking with my dog. I like that I went over to the house that’s not always safe to play with my niece and nephew. I was able to keep myself safe and have fun with the kiddos. I also like that I left that house to go grocery shopping. I liked my decisions today.
Grocery shopping. What a great fucking decision you made! He dropped everything for you. He waits to eat his one meal of the day until right before he goes to bed. He stopped cooking this one meal of the day so he could take you grocery shopping. He knew you needed to go grocery shopping because he checks in on you every single fucking day and asks what you’ve eaten and the day you say ‘I need to go grocery shopping’ he says I want to go with you. He drives you. He pushes your cart. He is patient with you, the shopper who fucking hates shopping and makes half assed lists because there is no real plan to cook because you also hate cooking. He makes you smile. He shamelessly asks random people holding bags of chicken where they got their cooked chicken from because he knows you love chicken and you aren’t leaving the store without one. He cares about you so much. You made a good fucking decision. He scans for you. He carries your bags for you. He drives you. The way someone fits you into their schedule says a lot about what they think of you. Psst…he loves you.
Okay. I like myself today. I like the decisions I made today. I like who I am today. I like rainbows and groceries.